November Mailbag: Post-CMA Edition

What does an invitation to the CMA Awards look like?
It has a picture of Taylor Swift with the words “Come see Taylor and some other people perform!” underneath. — Sam

No idea. The CMA has yet to recognize the “interwebs” as a viable media entity, thus haven’t approved our credential requests. — Pierce

Who was the surprise guest on the CMAs?
Viewers. — Stephen

Country music. — Ken

Jamey Johnson, who the CMA paired with country radio stalwart Kid Rock. — Jim

Why did LeAnn Rimes look bad at the awards show?
It was the scarlet A across her chest. — Ken

Why hasn’t Kellie Pickler had any wins at CMA?
Because the organization that voted Taylor Swift as the Female Vocalist of the Year still has some standards. — Sam

What has Brad Paisley done that would get him nominated?
He single-handedly is making sure country fans under 20 years old know who Little Jimmy Dickens is. — Sam

Not one other artist has courageously tackled the gritty underbelly of the dangers of frolicking in tick-infested forests like he has. — Ken

How big is Taylor Swift’s fan base?
Not very large, considering most of her fans haven’t hit their growth spurt yet. — Sam

Pre-VMAs: a few million. Post-VMAs: everyone but Kanye. — CMW

It’s not that large, really–she mainly relies on the air conditioning on her bus. – Karlie

How old is the girl playing in Jake Owen’s “8 Second Ride?”
Old enough that she shouldn’t be too impressed about an 8-second ride. — Sam

Over eighteen because sixteen will get you twenty. — Ken

What does Jake Owen’s “8 Second Ride” mean?
It means his woman ain’t satisfied. — Stephen

It’s the second of the two new theme songs for Disneyland this year, the first is “2 Hour Line.” — Ken

It means that writing hit songs is a hell of a lot easier than it used to be. — Jim

What does the song “People Are Crazy” mean?
Manipulating old people to steal their money is both easy and profitable. — Sam

What does Jennifer Nettles dislike?
Former band members and lawyers. — Sam

Stretch pants shortages and terrain inhospitable to giant hamster balls. — CMW

Those awkward moments between asking Brooks and Dunn to come say a few words onstage at the CMAs and receiving the silent evil eye from Ronnie Dunn. — Karlie

Why is Sugarland a vocal duo when the guy doesn’t sing?
He may not sing a lot, but Kristian Bush’s role in Sugarland (standing out of Jennifer’s spotlight and strumming his guitar) is too important to be overlooked. — Sam

There are many things a person can contribute to a duo besides singing–a love for fedoras, ridiculous quotes for the media and red carpet arm candy being just a few. — Karlie

Because Taylor Swift is more friendly and political–thus has the female vocalist award wrapped up for the rest of her career. (*Secretly hoping for a call from Taylor now that I half-heartedly criticized her*) — Pierce

Who says Kristian Bush doesn’t sing? His contribution to “Love” was indispensable. — Jim

What the hell is Tim McGraw “Southern Voice?”
A reasoned argument for the superiority of all things Southern, many of which actually aren’t. — CMW

A marketing ploy. — Stephen

Hell if I know, dude. — “Will” Faulkner

What is Chris Cagle’s last name?
Believe it or not, Cagle is actually his middle name. His last name is Exercise. — CMW

Who it was she never found in me?
The man you want to be (a strong man, an admit when you were wrong man, a less grammatically awkward man, etc.) — CMW

What is symbolism in country music?
You didn’t think that song was really about a big green tractor, did you? — CMW

What type of education did Kellie Pickler receive?
She received her education from the streets–of Sonic, that is. Whoever coined the term “school of hard knocks” must’ve also fallen a time or two on roller skates while delivering Cherry Limeades to guys in jacked up trucks. — Karlie

Who wings the sone “I Need You Now?”
Aady Lantebellum — Stephen

Better yet, who the hell says “wings the sone?” — Ken

Can women over 60 still be attractive to men?
Yes, ever since Emmylou turned 60. — Stephen

“Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.” — Dolly Parton

Why is Nashville Star no longer on the air?
The same reason Melissa Lawson never was on the radio. — Pierce

While they had the Nashville part down well, they never quite managed to master the Star part. — Ken

The show’s star-making power (Brad Cotter, Angela Hacker, Melissa Lawson) proved so great that the Nashville establishment had no choice but to shut it down for fear of obsolescence. — CMW

How can a tired single mother do it all?
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper/And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day.” — Mick Jagger/Keith Richards

Who the heck is Gloriana?
I don’t know either, Lady Gaga. — Juli

What other old Spanish song sounds like “Toes?”
“Mi Asno Es Atascado En La Arena” — Ken