Mailbag: Who Did Kenny Chesney Take to the Grammys?

Who sings “That’s what brothers are for?”
Nashville-via-Canada Broken Bow recording artist Dean Brody, but only after one too many Moosehead Lagers. – CM

Who plays guitar for Chuck Wicks?
A player who, having chosen consistent employment over artistic satisfaction, consoles himself nightly with the fact that at least he’s not One Night Rodeo’s guitar player. – Ben

How many Grammys does Alison Krauss have?
26. That’s one for every year of Taylor Swift’s life with enough left over to match the number of people who aren’t creeped out by Bucky Covington’s mustache. – CM

Who sings “I am a country boy?”
Alan Jackson’s extremely proper cousin. – Karlie

Who sings “Telluride?”
Tim McGraw, though Josh Gracin is also known to do a mean karaoke version of it. – CM

Who wrote the song “Pray Out Loud?”
Someone who hates Jesus, quality music, and the non-bleeding eardrums of radio listeners everywhere. – Juli

Why does Taylor Swift call herself the scarlet letter?
Presumably because Taylor Swift is an adulteress. – CM

Homeschooling? — Ben

What is the theme of “Picture to Burn?”
Boys. And how stupid boys are! – Jim

What does Kristian Bush contribute?
Distractingly prominent vocals tagged onto the ends of songs and a certain indefinable creepiness factor. — CM

Kristian Bush is single-handedly making fedoras acceptable headgear in Nashville. The unfortunate part of that, of course, is that in a few years we’re going to have to deal with a massive influx of fedora-wearing, guitar strumming copycat “hat acts.”– Jim

Who was Johnny Cash’s first wife?
Vivian Liberto, mother to Rosanne and three more Cash children. — CM

You know, everyone likes to celebrate the Johnny and June marriage as country mythology, but his marriage to Vivian Libretto is a much better country story. Johnny and June were two rich superstars who got married and lived happily ever after. Meanwhile Johnny and Vivian’s marriage was tested by ambition, infidelity, and drug abuse, and despite her continued love for him, a love that predated and wasn’t predicated on his success, the marriage ended and Vivian wrote in her book that throughout her life she never stopped loving him. Now that’s a solid country love story. – Ben

Where are Caitlin and Will?
On a radio tour promoting their first single, “Even Now.” – CM

Who did Kenny Chesney bring to the Grammy awards?
If we consider the Fame-Score Equation to be exponential and factor in that number 100 was 8 years ago before he won most of his awards, then subtract the week he became a hermit because of the dissolution of his marriage, we can conclude he must have taken Miss 1,271 to the Grammy’s.
Note: The equation doesn’t factor in the Age and Baldness Correlations and their impact on the allure of fame, nor does it consider the the rise of immorality. However, we can confidently determine that Chesney is behind Walt’s Curve.
Note 2: Kenny Chesney doesn’t actually exist; he is just a figment of Lady Goodman’s imagination. – Brady

One of the 2,000,000+ girls that can attest to the fact that he’s not gay–if ya know what I mean. “You should hear about those long, hard, sweaty summers back when I first started touring,” Kenny said. “Man, those were the days. I was batting more than A-Rod. Yeah, even better than that tanned, ripply muscled slugger. What?! No, I swear, I’m not gay!” – Kenny Chesney

Note 3: Lady Goodman doesn’t exist either. Lady Goodman is a pseudonym used by Holly Gleason. – Jim

Has there ever been a female country Entertainer of the Year?
Listen, I’m not gay, okay? — Kenny Chesney

What is Miranda Lambert purchasing with Blake?
Pants. For her to wear in that relationship. – Jim

The 9513′s Mailbag is published at the end of every month. The questions that appear here are real questions posed by our readers.