Mailbag: The Stalker Edition

Where does Gary Allan Herzberg live?
Katherine Walker, you really have to stop writing into The 9513. — Ken

Your IP addresses have been logged, and Gary’s lawyers will be contacting you shortly. — Andrew

Does Gary Allan Herzberg have a girlfriend?
Really Katherine, you just need to realize, Gary’s just not that into you. — Ken

Miranda Lambert, love is what I’m taking.
Then Blake Shelton’s fist is probably what you’ll be receiving. — Karlie

Are you sure you don’t want to trade love for an English class? — Ken

What does Taylor Swift think of Tyler Dean?
OMG WTF This guy is, like, a total creeper. — Andrew

Guess how old Miley Cyrus is to win money.
Guessing how old Miley Cyrus is always leads to problems. — Jim

16! Yes! Man, between this and the 13 million United State Dollars which I’m being given by a Nigerian princess (inherited from her late father deposited in my local bank after I give them my bank account number), I’m going to be rich! — Ken

Why can’t I buy Jessica Andrews everything?
Well, Marcel, not enough people know your last name, which means your music isn’t selling, leading to limited cash. As every NBA player would tell you, your brand just ain’t workin’. — Brady

Why did Renee Zellweger leave Kenny Chesney?
She clearly has an aversion to Pirates. — Kelly

Did Taylor Swift steal “Love Story?”
Yes, along with a few other books from the Nashville Public Library. They threatened to revoke her check-out privileges and drama ensued, causing her to take revenge with a new song “Library Card to Burn.” It will be available as an added track on the upcoming Special Deluxe Bonus Edition of Fearless. — Karlie

Of course not–the tale of two young lovers kept apart by their parents is an entirely original concept that has never before been set to paper or tape. — Jim

Does Carrie Underwood use autotuning?
No she is completely natural, just like Kellie Pickler. — Ken

Who sings with Reba every other weekend?
Ronnie Dunn. Reba and Kix Brooks have joint custody, you know. — Juli

What song in country music is about a woman who is sick with cancer?
Sorry, you’re gonna have to narrow that down. — Kelly

“That Thang” puts the “ass” in “metastasize.” — Juli

Who is a bigger fool: the fool or the fool who follows him?
A foolish fool fools his foolish followers…wait, is this about Tyler Dean? — Brady

Why doesn’t radio play Red Dirt music?
Not enough songs about cancer. — Kelly

It’s a pain to clean the transmitter afterward. — Andrew

Je ne sais quoi?
Sí. — Karlie

What is the meaning of the song “Joey” by Sugarland?
It’s Jennifer Nettles, Kristian Bush and fellow songwriter Bill Anderson’s touching tribute to kangaroos. — Ken

What is the chorus of “Country Boy?”
Trite, uninteresting, and repeated four times too many. — Andrew

How to talk like Dolly Parton?
It’s easy. Establish eye contact during a conversation and try like hell to maintain it. If they look at your chest, you’ve talked like Dolly Parton. — Ken

What are some country songs about war and stuff?
Like, dude, there are totally a bunch of them, man. — Jim

What happened to Sammy Kershaw?
He actually exists only in an early ’90s time warp, where high-waisted Mom-jeans are universally worn, Saved By the Bell is the only show on television and “Working Woman’s Holiday” plays on a continuous loop. (Also known as my own personal version of heaven.) — Karlie

Who sings “It’s a Business Doing Work with You?”
Tim McGraw’s label owner, Mike Curb. — Ken

Who is singing with Jennifer Nettles on the song “Love?”
Robby Takac of Goo Goo Dolls — Jim

Why would people’s senses appeal to Taylor Swift’s songs?
Because they smell like money. Lots and lots of money. — Ken

Why would syntax to people’s senses appeal? — Jim

Who sang “Golden Ring” with George Jones?
Smeagol and the Hobbit Five. — Ken

What hurts the most on The 9513?
Getting assigned to review “What Hurts the Most.” — Karlie

Knowing that every day I break the heart of another country music starlet. — Jim