January Mailbag: What Is Lady Antebellum’s Name?

Tim McGraw, what would Chris do?
I’m not Tim McGraw, but I’ll take a crack at it. Chris Neal would write a pithy album review. Chris Lindsey would check The 9513 for mentions of his name and get into heated exchanges with Hollerin’ Ben. Chris Cagle would just keep on being boring. – CM

What is the point of “Love Story” by Taylor Swift?
To flaunt Swift’s mastery of classic literature and give Justin Gaston an excuse to wear a poofy shirt. – CM

Why can’t I get “All Summer Long” on iTunes?
Kid Rock thinks a private retailer setting prices is socialism. He also thinks “All Summer Long” is Country Music. So I guess the final answer is that you can’t get “All Summer Long” on iTunes because Kid Rock doesn’t really know the meaning of a lot of words. – Ben

How do I go on a date with Taylor Swift?
Just promise her you’ll do her wrong in some horrific, dramatic way so she’ll be able to make millions off the relationship. — Karlie

How do I just stop Richie McDonald?
Rest assured that The 9513 staffers are working on that problem around the clock. – CM

What is the least gay Taylor Swift song for a guy to sing?
Not sure, but when you find it, just make sure you can perform while wearing the least gay ascot you can get your hands on. – Ben

There aren’t levels of “gay,” just as there aren’t any Taylor Swift songs that guys should sing…ever. – Kelly

Any one that’s not about falling in love with/breaking up with a boy. Actually, never mind. – Jim

How do I found out who has been inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame?
By extispicy, an ancient Mesopotamian process of divination which involves reading the entrails of a ritual sacrifice. Or you could just look on the Hall of Fame website. – Juli

What is Lady Antebellum’s name?
Lady Antebellum. Is this a trick question? – CM

Who is Country Music’s singer of the decade?
I’m gonna have to go with Justin Timberlake. – Jim

What is the best song about soldiers?
“Crank That” by Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em – Karlie

What does Shinola mean?
It means that Dolly Parton’s attempt at a topical reference came about 60 years late. – CM

When does Jessica Andrews’ everything come out?
I would hope only in the privacy of her home or the company of her husband. – CM

Only after she has had enough Shinola. – Kelly

Who is the guy singer in “Lookin’ For A Good Time?”
Dave Haywood. No, no, just kidding. It’s Charles Kelley, one of Lady Antebellum’s two lead singers (the other is Hillary Scott). – CM

What happened to Eric Church?
He was born, grew up, went to Nashville, wrote songs like “Lightning”, “Two Pink Lines”, and “My Kind of Love” that trivialize life and pretend to significance while being shallow and annoying, billed himself as a new Kristofferson, and is soon to be releasing a new record in which he intends to insult our collective intelligence while posturing like a badass (who is also sensitive) on the cred he gained by growing a beard. – Ben

What is “Lightning” by Eric Church about?
It’s about how the only inmates worth humanizing are the ones who killed someone in self-defense while trying to get food for his hungry baby (and therefore would not be eligible for the death penalty), is sorry for what he’s done, and has fully accepted his execution because he likes how cool it is to compare the electricity of the chair to lightning, which is in the sky, which reminds him of heaven (also in the sky). – Ben

How do I cut my hair like Kellie Pickler?
Why would you cut your hair to be like Kellie? Don’t you know you’re beautiful, just the way you are? – Karlie

She has hair? I guess I need to look a little higher up next time. – Kelly

When did Carrie Underwood write so small?
When she had tiny hands. – Ben

When does Dierks Bentley’s Feel That Fire CD come out?
I think the term is actually VD. After a dose of penicillin, that fiery feeling should be on its way out. – Juli

Who was the first to sing “Window Up Above?”
George Jones, who also wrote it. – Ben

Why isn’t Conway Twitty in the Grand Ole Opry?
The Opry has to have standards. Not everyone can have the vocal ability, song catalog and sex appeal of more deserving members like Craig Morgan. – Karlie

How do I play “I Will” by Jimmy Wayne?
Sit alone in your room, light some candles, spend a little time thinking sensitive thoughts, look up tabs on the internet, play the song. – Ben

How old are Joey & Rory?
Old enough to be Taylor Swift’s parents. – Karlie

Joey + Rory are so old that they recorded their first demo on wax cylinder. – Jim

What is there to do in Wichita for teens?
Contemplate how much it sucks to be a teen stuck in Wichita. – Jim

What kind of jeans does Kenny Chesney wear?
Those are not really jeans, but a quart of Sherwin-Williams Jamaica Bay applied with a roller. Should that color be discontinued, I imagine Chesney will return to his old standard Gap Kids. – Juli

Faith Hill chewing out fan who grabbed Tim McGraw.
I’m still ticked about that, I was just trying to see if Tim and Kenny wore the same jeans, OK FAITH?!?!?!?! – Kelly