What subgenre is Taylor Swift?
Moody electropunk jazzbilly thrash metal with operatic overtones. Or just pop-country. — CMW

When will I be loved by John Fogerty and Bruce Springsteen?
Honey, pick one or the other. Let’s not get greedy. — Sam

That is one rootsy rock legend sandwich that I do not want to be a part of. — Pierce

How do you make your face look like a hobo?
Apply Jamey Johnson’s Beardification Serum (also used by Joaquin Phoenix) — Juli

Better not let Jamey Johnson’s beard hear you making fun of it, Juli. — Jim

What happened to Angela Hacker?
Not enough self-proclaimed Hacker-Backers lived up to their names. — Pierce

Like the other winners before her, she has entered the Nashville Star Witness Protection Program. — Ken

How old is Tyler Dean?
He wrote a song about Taylor Swift. The answer? Not very. — Pierce

Who did Kenny Chesney write “Better As a Memory” for?
His career. — Karlie

His hairline. — Sam

Disillusioned wives of pirates. — CMW

I think the correct term would be “disillusioned pirate wenches.” — Jim

Why is Johnny Cash important to our history?
So Jason Aldean could sing a song with his name in the title. Thank you for your service, Johnny. — Karlie

Because you can’t understand the subtle nuances of Jason Aldean’s song, “Johnny Cash,” without knowing the man. — Sam

He single-handedly killed the Reno tourism business by exposing the gritty undercurrent of thrill killing. — Ken

What kind of jeans does Luke Bryan wear?
All his friends say he likes Levi’s. — Karlie

I heard a Tim McGraw song that sounded like rock. What is the name of it?
This will be hard to narrow down. An easier question may be, “I heard a Tim McGraw song that sounded like country. What is the name of it?” — Karlie

What makes a great duet?
When one of the participants is Dolly Parton and the other isn’t Jimmy Wayne. — CMW

When two people who have a deep, undying affection for each other–think Tammy Wynette and George Jones, Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner and Sammy Kershaw/Lorrie Morgan. — Ken

Why did they change the words on Jake Owens’ new song?
Wait, someone was paying attention to the words of “Eight Second Ride?” — Jim

Where was Keith Anderson on October 24?
Watching a Cowboys game, then performing with Tim Nichols and Jason Sellers at a charity event in Nashville. Dang, Carrie Underwood is right about Twitter being stalkerish. — CMW

Her black dress hit the floor?
I guess it must have, but my eyes never made it that far down. — Ken

How much does it cost to book Chris Young to sing?
One black dress. — Ken

Who are the people that sing “Amazing Grace” in the song “Where I’m From?”
One-dimensional figments of Jason Michael Carroll’s imagination. – CMW

How much did Lee Brice sell “More Than a Memory” for?
Garth Brooks has so much money that when he first heard the demo of “More Than a Memory,” he instructed Brice go inside his personal vault and leave with as much cash as could be stuffed into seven large canvas bags. — Jim

Why do you think Jimmie Rodgers is a country artist?
Who’s Jimmie Rodgers? — Justin Moore

Everyone knows that Jimmie Rodgers isn’t a country artist. Hell, he doesn’t even have an electric guitar in most of his songs! — Jim

What does it mean to dream of a headless man dressed in white?
You were probably viewing the macabre director’s cut of the “Waiting on a Woman” video before bed. — CMW

That’s what country folks do.
What is, “go tubing with preachers’ hot daughters,” Alex? — Juli

What is the meaning of “I’m Alive” by Kenny Chesney?
First off, the umbrella is obviously a metaphor for a smile. — CMW

Who wrote “Merry Christmas from the Family” by Robert Earl Keen?
Robert Earl Keen and his co-writer, 24 glasses of eggnog. — Sam

Is Kenny Chesney a nice guy?
Did Hazel Smith mention that she got a letter from him yesterday? — CMW

Didn’t Kenny already address the whole “nice guy” issue in his Playboy interview last year? — Jim

How much are old albums of Jeannie C. Riley worth?
About 8 bucks. But I hear they’re worth way more in Harper Valley. — Ken

When did Garth Brooks make more than a memory?
This month–Mr. Wynn’s gagillion dollars are worth way more than a memory. — Ken

Who are the two blonde country girl singers that harmonize?
The Coppolas, or BOMSHEL, or the tattered remnants of Cowboy Crush, or… — CMW

Achy Breaky Heart, original Mexican folk song?
Probably not. — CMW

How long did it take to go across the country in a stagecoach?
Ralph Stanley booked shows in New York and California two days apart earlier this month. — CMW

Was Taylor Swift on Canadian Idol?
Then-sixteen year old Taylor Swift first won over fans on the hugely popular television show Canadian Idol, when she wowed her peers and the judges alike with a deft pop-country take on “Too Bad” by the obscure Vancouver alternative pop band Doug and the Slugs. — Jim

No, but he will be featured on the upcoming season of Meerkat Manor. — CMW

I don’t think so, because he’s a pretty integral part of… um, what band is he with again? – Sam

Who is antebellum?
That great trio in modern popular culture: Scarlet O’Hara, Rhett Butler & Ashley Wilkes. – Ken

Uncle Bellum’s Wife. – Stephen

I don’t know, but I’m going to have to take a pro-Bellum stance on this. – Jim

How do you say you are a cool woman in Spanish?
Estoy atascado en el hielo. – Ken

Why do people listen to country music?
Because they want to be reminded of what pop music sounded like 20 years ago. – Sam

Because nothing gets chicks hotter than a banjo and fiddle. – Ken

Because rap doesn’t have enough songs about tractors. – Jim

What does it mean when a girl gives you dead flowers?
She loves you? She loves you NOT. – Ken

What is the Bomshel fan mail address?
Just write “BOMSHEL” (all caps) on the envelope and it will get there. — CMW

Someone at Curb just got really excited… — Jim

How did Carrie Underwood start her career?
As an underwood model. – Ken

Blake Shelton, do I turn you on at all when I kiss you, baby?
I thought we agreed not to discuss this matter publicly, Luke. – Blake

What to wear to a George Jones country music concert?
Tinted glasses and a perfectly helmet-shaped white wig. – CMW

What does ‘roll a big fat one’ mean in “Toes” by Zac Brown Band?
Zac once heroically saved a beached whale by pushing it back in the ocean. – Sam

There is no such line in “Toes.” — CMW’s local country station

Whattya think of that?
Frankly, it would have been better with more cowbell. – CMW

Kellie Pickler, didn’t you know how much I loved you?
Dammit Miranda, put down the beer and back away from the computer! – Sam

What does it mean when a guy calls a girl a firecracker?
The guy isn’t very clever, so the relationship probably isn’t going anywhere. Unless the guy is Josh Turner, in which case he can say pretty much whatever the hell he wants and make it sound cool. No fair that some guys get the bass voices. – CMW

As a songwriter, what do they do?
They spend hours upon hours every week, struggling to find just the perfect words to describe love, loneliness, true happiness and other elements of the human condition, with all its strengths and frailties. And then when they’re tired of starving, they write “Big Green Tractor.” – Sam

I can understand why this career path may seem a little unclear, since the job title is so vague. – Karlie

You tell me. You’re the songwriter. – Matt

How many people did Justin Moore grow up with?
250. And they all broke their backs just to earn a buck, and they never get ahead but they had enough. — Sam

Justin Moore lived in a town so far back that the closest neighbor was on the other side of a hill, which was two hollers away, and the only way to get there was by riding a horse down a treacherous, winding trail that was occasionally obstructed by Indians. From there, he and his best friend Joe Bob would hop in a canoe and navigate a muddy creek for a couple of miles until they came to a riverbank. From there, they would hitchhike into a one-stoplight town, where they would spend hours drinking moonshine and smoking Daddy’s cigarettes behind the bowling alley. – Jim

Who started the country music?
I feel like I should know this one. It was the Eagles, right? – CMW

Who sings beer on the table?
I wish I could sing beer onto my table. – Jim

Who writes Eric Church’s songs?
Someone with a copy of 1001 Favorite Country Music Cliches and a dart. – Sam

What does Kevin Fowler sing?
Penis jokes, set to music. – Jim

Who sings outside my window?
Might be Bryan White. He’s not very busy these days, plus he strikes me as the Peter Pan type. – CMW

If it’s not Christmas time and someone is singing outside your window I would advise you to call the police. – Matt

Is Taylor Swift really country?
That depends on your definition of country. And your definition of Taylor Swift. – Jim

When was Chuck Wicks in Gruene, Texas?
The better question is “How did Chuck Wicks get out of Gruene in one piece?” – Sam

Does Julianne Hough wear hair extensions?
Everything about Julianne is authentic, from her hair to her country music career. – Karlie

No, but Willie Nelson does. Seriously–he does. – Jim

Who sings more: Brooks or Dunn?
Well, Garth’s retired, and I haven’t heard from Holly in ages, so I’d say it’s a tie. – Sam

What do the Spanish words in “Toes” by Zac Brown mean?
Estoy atascado en el hielo. – Jim

What does the song “Don’t Blink” mean?
I think it’s a tribute to mimes all over the world. – Matt

Are song pluggers a legitimate part of the music industry?
Yes. Every time “Cowboy Casanova” comes on the radio, I put on a pair of song pluggers to block it out. – Sam

If you grant me a 100% publisher’s share and a 50% writer’s share, I’ll be happy to pitch your song to the biggest names in country music! For free! – Jim

Just so you know what you’re getting under this old hat, I’m more country.
But not more country than Justin Moore! – Jim

Clearly you haven’t watched the Chipotle employee training video. – Juli

Is George Strait really singing in Spanish?
No, that’s Jorge, his illegitimate Mexican brother. – Pierce

What song goes “you kiss my lips, it drives me wild?”
Not sure about what song that is, but that sounds a lot like my last email to Chris Knight. – Kelly

Why did Rodney Atkins write “It’s America?”
Since the song was actually written by Brett James and Angelo Petraglia, the real question is why didn’t Atkins write “It’s America.” And the obvious answer is that he must really hate America. – CM

He didn’t write it, but he sang it because he recognized that it was time for someone in country music to finally step up and profess their patriotism. – Jim

I thought this was Mexico.
It ain’t, but we do dig fajitas and Johnny Rodriguez. – CM

Does Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” have symbolism in it?
No. But what it lacks in symbolism, it makes up in lack of symbolism. — Juli

Where is Taylor Swift going to college?
Hopefully somewhere she can actually read Romeo and Juliet. Spoiler alert: they kill themselves. — Juli

What is that song that says dang to dang dang?
Sad. – Kelly

Someone said dang to Dang Dang? For real, yo? Dang Dang needs to step up and make that fool respect. – Jim

Why did Richie McDonald leave Lonestar?
He didn’t agree with its changing artistic direction and pop leanings, so he went and recorded traditional honky tonkin’ songs such as “How Do I Just Stop.” – Karlie

He needed an outlet that was more positive, as singing heart wrenching narratives like “Mr. Mom” and “She’s Unusually Unusual” every night were driving him to the brink of depression. – Jim

Why did George Strait use that picture for Twang?
His Glamour Shots gift certificate from 1993 was about to expire. — Kelly

What are some country songs about men who have a lot of women?
John Anderson’s “Swingin’.” – Ken

Chris Knight’s “It Ain’t Easy Being Me.” – Jim

I didn’t get what I asked for, I got more lyrics.
That’s Christmas in Nashville for ya. Everyone’s a songwriter. — CM

What’s bluegrass, what isn’t?
Flatt and Scruggs, Rascal Flatts. I wish I had more questions like these on tests in school. – Pierce

I’m too afraid to answer this question. I know Jon Weisberger’s out there. – CM

What kind of music does Rascal Flatts sing?
Not bluegrass. – Pierce

Your guess is as good as mine. – Kelly

Fun, but a little gritty for our taste. — Gloriana

Who sings a country song about drinking around a bonfire?
The same dude who sings about drinkin’ on a boat and ridin’ on a tractor. – Pierce

“Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash – Ken

What is the best Willie Nelson album?
It’s a 98-way tie among the albums that didn’t involve Kenny Chesney. – Kelly

Country song where she is talking to Mr. Officer?
Mindy McCready; she’s backed by Doug Stone, Doug Supernaw, David Allan Coe and the late Johnny Paycheck. – Ken

When will Carrie Underwood’s new single be released?
Carrie Underwood is better than Taylor Swift. Sorry, what was the question? – CM

Who starred in Pure Country?
Alt-country/punk rock mainstay John Doe as drummer Earl Blackstock.
George Strait as George Strait + beard and ponytail. – CM

How did the hole get in Willie’s guitar?
Along life’s highways, Willie’s hit a few pot holes. – Ken

Your IP addresses have been logged, and Gary’s lawyers will be contacting you shortly. — Andrew

Does Gary Allan Herzberg have a girlfriend?
Really Katherine, you just need to realize, Gary’s just not that into you. — Ken

Miranda Lambert, love is what I’m taking.
Then Blake Shelton’s fist is probably what you’ll be receiving. — Karlie

Are you sure you don’t want to trade love for an English class? — Ken

What does Taylor Swift think of Tyler Dean?
OMG WTF This guy is, like, a total creeper. — Andrew

Guess how old Miley Cyrus is to win money.
Guessing how old Miley Cyrus is always leads to problems. — Jim

16! Yes! Man, between this and the 13 million United State Dollars which I’m being given by a Nigerian princess (inherited from her late father deposited in my local bank after I give them my bank account number), I’m going to be rich! — Ken

Why can’t I buy Jessica Andrews everything?
Well, Marcel, not enough people know your last name, which means your music isn’t selling, leading to limited cash. As every NBA player would tell you, your brand just ain’t workin’. — Brady

Why did Renee Zellweger leave Kenny Chesney?
She clearly has an aversion to Pirates. — Kelly

Did Taylor Swift steal “Love Story?”
Yes, along with a few other books from the Nashville Public Library. They threatened to revoke her check-out privileges and drama ensued, causing her to take revenge with a new song “Library Card to Burn.” It will be available as an added track on the upcoming Special Deluxe Bonus Edition of Fearless. — Karlie

Of course not–the tale of two young lovers kept apart by their parents is an entirely original concept that has never before been set to paper or tape. — Jim

Does Carrie Underwood use autotuning?
No she is completely natural, just like Kellie Pickler. — Ken

Who sings with Reba every other weekend?
Ronnie Dunn. Reba and Kix Brooks have joint custody, you know. — Juli

What song in country music is about a woman who is sick with cancer?
Sorry, you’re gonna have to narrow that down. — Kelly

“That Thang” puts the “ass” in “metastasize.” — Juli

Who is a bigger fool: the fool or the fool who follows him?
A foolish fool fools his foolish followers…wait, is this about Tyler Dean? — Brady

Why doesn’t radio play Red Dirt music?
Not enough songs about cancer. — Kelly

It’s a pain to clean the transmitter afterward. — Andrew

Je ne sais quoi?
Sí. — Karlie

What is the meaning of the song “Joey” by Sugarland?
It’s Jennifer Nettles, Kristian Bush and fellow songwriter Bill Anderson’s touching tribute to kangaroos. — Ken

What is the chorus of “Country Boy?”
Trite, uninteresting, and repeated four times too many. — Andrew

How to talk like Dolly Parton?
It’s easy. Establish eye contact during a conversation and try like hell to maintain it. If they look at your chest, you’ve talked like Dolly Parton. — Ken

What are some country songs about war and stuff?
Like, dude, there are totally a bunch of them, man. — Jim

What happened to Sammy Kershaw?
He actually exists only in an early ’90s time warp, where high-waisted Mom-jeans are universally worn, Saved By the Bell is the only show on television and “Working Woman’s Holiday” plays on a continuous loop. (Also known as my own personal version of heaven.) — Karlie

Who sings “It’s a Business Doing Work with You?”
Tim McGraw’s label owner, Mike Curb. — Ken

Who is singing with Jennifer Nettles on the song “Love?”
Robby Takac of Goo Goo Dolls — Jim

Why would people’s senses appeal to Taylor Swift’s songs?
Because they smell like money. Lots and lots of money. — Ken

Why would syntax to people’s senses appeal? — Jim

Who sang “Golden Ring” with George Jones?
Smeagol and the Hobbit Five. — Ken

What hurts the most on The 9513?
Getting assigned to review “What Hurts the Most.” — Karlie

Knowing that every day I break the heart of another country music starlet. — Jim

Who sings like dead flowers?
Rascal Flatts. – Karlie

Who is the girl Gary Allan is dating?
Her name has not been released at this time, but we can reveal that she wears a size five mini-skirt. – Brody

What was the song “Angle’s Hands” by Rodney Atkins meant for?
It’s a tender ballad Atkins wrote for his 11th grade trig teacher, comparing her love to the law of cosines. And just wait until you hear his take on the Brahmagupta Interpolation Formula. Rowr. – Juli

What does “I Run To You” mean?
It’s a love story about two triathletes. – Pierce

Was Darius Rucker ever in Sister Hazel?
We try to keep The 9513 family friendly. – Brody

Look at what you’ve done, Karlie. – Pierce

Who wrote brother Dean Brody why he?
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. – Brady

What is a song that is country and is about home?
“My Hometown Sucks”

What are three interesting facts about Carrie Underwood?
[crickets]

What, no takers? I guess her fan club is rather intimidating. – Brady

What is the current deal between Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton?
The current deal is a contractual agreement by which it is directed that Mr. Shelton will provide Ms. Lambert with tender loving affection; as remittance for Mr. Shelton’s considerations, Ms. Lambert agrees that she will take no actions upon his person which could be said to have been inspired by any of the characters or incidents in her music. – Jim

When does Nashville Star start again?
When NBC gets its very own government bailout. – Brady

What is the meaning of the song “Here Comes Goodbye?”
It means that American Idol castoffs get preferential treatment when pitching songs to Rascal Flatts. – Jim

How is “Man In Black” a protest song?
It’s a radical statement of independence from Will Smith proving that he wears the alien crime fighting, summer blockbustering pants in the relationship. Take that, Tommy Lee Jones. – Karlie

How does he have aces when I have kings?
Because today is just not your day. – Jim

Johnny Cash, why isn’t he a Hall of Faith?
Despite what may be considered by some nuanced spiritual beliefs, most would agree with Johnny Cash, at least later in life, was in fact a Hall of Faith. — Jim

Why do people keep insisting Taylor Swift can sing?
Because she’s like, totally awesome! OMG! – Jim

How old is Joey + Rory?
Joey + Rory = 2 x Taylor Swift + Miley Cyrus + Miranda Lambert – 5. Approximately. – Juli

How is Kellie Pickler’s song about Pearl Jam?
It’s good–although someone had to explain to Kellie how they are able to get the pearls so that they can be spread on toast. – Jim

Who wrote “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus?
Bob Barker. He was inspired by The Price is Right’s Cliffhanger game, and he knew Miley was born to sing the part of the mountain climbing yodeler. – Karlie

How to play “She’s Country?”
I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” – Jim

Why was Reba not at George Strait’s Artist of the Decade concert?
She wasn’t there? Hmmm. “Strange.” – Karlie

How to play “Out Last Night” by Kenny Chesney?
I actually think the more relevant and helpful question would be about how not to play “She’s Country.” – Jim

What happened to the last winner of Nashville Star?
What happened to any winner of Nashville Star? – Jim

Who did Taylor Swift write “Horse” for?
That guy she was playing hoops with on the playground. Taylor Swift has a mean over-the-shoulder bank-shot. — Jim

Why hasn’t Tim McGraw put out a new record?
Curb has been forcing to McGraw to secretly record a new album every month, although they will only release them when the stars align and the moon is in the correct phase. – Jim

Who sings the song “Amanda?”
A man, duh. – Brady

I can’t believe Brady just went there. – Jim

Which country had a golde age?
Denmark. – Jim

Is Alabama going to be good this year?
After a disappointing end to 2008, the Tide should be hungry coming into ‘09. Unfortunately, with a mass exodus of key position players, Coach Saban is likely to be in rebuilding mode and the SEC will be as tough as ever. Pretty random question for a music site, although, former Crimson Tide QB John Parker Wilson could probably get a record deal based on his boyish charm and three-part name. – Pierce

What does Randy Travis like to do in his spare time?
Count his “I Told You So” royalties. – Jim

Gary Floater, that’s when the eagle screams.
The fieldmouse is fast, but the owl can see at night. – Jim

Why is “Eight Second Ride” on both of Jake Owens’ albums?
Because Jake Owen’s first two albums both needed songs about hookin’ up in the back of a pickup truck. – Jim

What does Dierks Bentley mean by “Sideways?”
He wants to get you drankin’, shawty. – Jim

How do you get started in country music?
Seek out the most run down, smoke filled honky tonk with chicken wire stretched in front of the stage and play there seven nights a week to pay your dues. Remember, you have to keep on playing no matter what happens. Insider Tip: To get on the fast track, build your own bar and invite the local prison to come watch your show. You’ll be bigger than Garth Brooks in no time. – Brady

What kind of hat does Kenny Chesney wear?
Kenny wears many hats as a musical artist. There’s the “Beach bum country singer” hat, the “Poet inspired by the Caribbean” hat, the “Always ready for a party by the shore” hat and the “Steel drum aficionado” hat. Okay, so he only wears one hat. — Karlie

What are the chances of a guy that’s not famous getting with Taylor Swift?
Uh oh, Taylor might need to place a call to Gary Allan’s lawyer… – Pierce

HaHa! You have me like ROFLing! – Jim

What happened to Rosanne Cash?
After undergoing brain surgery in 2007, Cash wrote a handful of articles for the New York Times music column “Measure for Measure,” laid a verbal smackdown on John Rich regarding her father’s politics, and contributed “Song with Rose” to the Elvis Costello album Momofuku. She’s currently working on new album, called The List, based on a list of 100 essential songs Johnny Cash gave her when she turned 18. – Juli

What are country music fans like?
They’re a lot like normal people, just with better taste. – CM

How do record stores get CDs?
You mean how did record stores USED to get CDs….. – Ben

At this point, the more pressing question is how record stores can get rid of CDs. – CM

How do you dance to “Buy Myself a Chance” by Randy Rogers Band?
- Well, you can start by taking the song title’s advice. – Pierce

What did Brad Paisley have for a baby?
Little Jimmy Dickens. – Juli

I’m going to go way out on a limb here….a small, young person. right? – Ben

A cute, lovable subject for a future song. – Karlie

Tell me about songwriter Hank Cochran.
The legendary songwriter (and one half of the Cochran Brothers, who weren’t actually related) had a cancer scare last year, but is expected to fully recover. At 73 years old, he’s still cranking out material. – Juli

Tell Carrie Underwood to stop doing other peoples songs.
(more…)

What does George Strait sing?
Cash money, set to music. — Karlie

How to make the climb by Miley?
You can’t without a one-hit-wonder dad who wants to live vicariously through you. – Pierce

I don’t think my girlfriend would approve. — Jim

Why did Alan Jackson name it “Sissy’s Song?”
Being the son of a small-town Southern man, Alan Jackson feels less masculine when sharing his feelings. That, or Sissy was the nickname of the woman he wrote the song about. – CMW

What song is the one with the video of the girl losing her boyfriend?
This could be a ton of different songs, but I’ll bet you mean Rascal Flatts’ video for “What Hurts the Most,” which is way over the top, but totally great at the same time. “I saw you. ‘Weep weep.’ I saw you.” Good stuff. – Ben

What is the ring of fire and what happens there and what is meat?
It’s June Carter and Merle Kilgore’s metaphor for falling in love, and for a brief moment it was also a proposed ad campaign for hemorrhoid cream. — Juli

I have no idea what meat is. – Jim

What are the best songs to listen to in war?
Try these: The 9513’s Playlist–Top 20 War & Soldier Songs. – Jim

What kind of impact have The Lost Trailers had on the music world?
They’ve made critics occasionally regret our choice of profession. – Jim

Did something happen to Randy Travis’ voice?
I hadn’t thought of this, but you’re probably right. There’s no way a voice can sound that rad naturally. I’m thinking that first he went down to the crossroads… – Ben

What does country music say about a person?
To quote Keith Urban “What kind of country music?” (By the way, if you answer, “The kind Keith Urban plays,” you probably don’t want to hear my opinion of what it says about you.) – Ben

Why isn’t there any new music from Jo Dee Messina?
There is, but Curb is holding it hostage until someone agrees to care about Bomshel. – CMW

I think you mean BOMSHEL. – Jim

How many fans did Rodney Atkins have in 1990?
Not many. He was only 22. He probably spent his time playin’ baseball on a dusty ole field out by the farm, chasin’ girls, ridin’ tractors, shootin’ BBs at ole beer cans and buyin’ lemonade on a hot summer day. You know, just doin’ what Americans do. – Pierce

What does it mean to call a woman a firecracker?
Women love it when dudes conflate them with explosives dating back to dynastic China, you silver-tongued devil. – Juli

It means that you picked her up at a shed on the side of the road and will blow her off soon. – CMW

Is George Jones good in concert?
When he shows up. – Karlie

What ever happened to Ty Herndon?
Did someone call? I happened to be in the area. Anyone want to hear a song or anything? I’m not busy. – Ty Herndon

What do the lyrics to Rascal Flatts’ “Bob Your Head” mean?
That’s just an innocent little song about having good time while driving through the Sonic line. Wait. Oh. Actually… – Jim

What makes Miley Cyrus’ voice raspy?
Hannah Montana money buys lots of whiskey and cigarettes. – CMW

Is there an online radio station that plays Dwight Yoakam often?
The Dwight Yoakam channel on Pandora Radio is probably a good bet. – Karlie

Who sings backup on “High Cost of Living” by Jamey Johnson?
All of Jamey’s past demons.– Karlie

Demons have surprisingly good harmony voices.– Jim

Elvis was blond!
Damn. I hope they’ll let me return all these collectible plates. — CMW

How to sound good as a duo?
Only let one member sing. Jennifer Nettles has my back on this one. – CMW

How to contact Taylor Swift?
MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, her Web site or her blog. Fan mail is sooo 2007. – Karlie

Has Taylor Swift even read “Romeo and Juliet?”
Listen, I’m tired of people making fun of Taylor Swift. And no, no she has not. – CMW

What are Miranda Lambert’s favorite things?
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Also beer, kerosene, and shotguns. — CMW

I’m pretty sure I’m not included in the list. – Jim

Who plays guitar for Chuck Wicks?
A player who, having chosen consistent employment over artistic satisfaction, consoles himself nightly with the fact that at least he’s not One Night Rodeo’s guitar player. – Ben

How many Grammys does Alison Krauss have?
26. That’s one for every year of Taylor Swift’s life with enough left over to match the number of people who aren’t creeped out by Bucky Covington’s mustache. – CM

Who sings “I am a country boy?”
Alan Jackson’s extremely proper cousin. – Karlie

Who sings “Telluride?”
Tim McGraw, though Josh Gracin is also known to do a mean karaoke version of it. – CM

Who wrote the song “Pray Out Loud?”
Someone who hates Jesus, quality music, and the non-bleeding eardrums of radio listeners everywhere. – Juli

Why does Taylor Swift call herself the scarlet letter?
Presumably because Taylor Swift is an adulteress. – CM

Homeschooling? — Ben

What is the theme of “Picture to Burn?”
Boys. And how stupid boys are! – Jim

What does Kristian Bush contribute?
Distractingly prominent vocals tagged onto the ends of songs and a certain indefinable creepiness factor. — CM

Kristian Bush is single-handedly making fedoras acceptable headgear in Nashville. The unfortunate part of that, of course, is that in a few years we’re going to have to deal with a massive influx of fedora-wearing, guitar strumming copycat “hat acts.”– Jim

Who was Johnny Cash’s first wife?
Vivian Liberto, mother to Rosanne and three more Cash children. — CM

You know, everyone likes to celebrate the Johnny and June marriage as country mythology, but his marriage to Vivian Libretto is a much better country story. Johnny and June were two rich superstars who got married and lived happily ever after. Meanwhile Johnny and Vivian’s marriage was tested by ambition, infidelity, and drug abuse, and despite her continued love for him, a love that predated and wasn’t predicated on his success, the marriage ended and Vivian wrote in her book that throughout her life she never stopped loving him. Now that’s a solid country love story. – Ben

Where are Caitlin and Will?
On a radio tour promoting their first single, “Even Now.” – CM

Who did Kenny Chesney bring to the Grammy awards?
If we consider the Fame-Score Equation to be exponential and factor in that number 100 was 8 years ago before he won most of his awards, then subtract the week he became a hermit because of the dissolution of his marriage, we can conclude he must have taken Miss 1,271 to the Grammy’s.
Note: The equation doesn’t factor in the Age and Baldness Correlations and their impact on the allure of fame, nor does it consider the the rise of immorality. However, we can confidently determine that Chesney is behind Walt’s Curve.
Note 2: Kenny Chesney doesn’t actually exist; he is just a figment of Lady Goodman’s imagination. – Brady

One of the 2,000,000+ girls that can attest to the fact that he’s not gay–if ya know what I mean. “You should hear about those long, hard, sweaty summers back when I first started touring,” Kenny said. “Man, those were the days. I was batting more than A-Rod. Yeah, even better than that tanned, ripply muscled slugger. What?! No, I swear, I’m not gay!” – Kenny Chesney

Note 3: Lady Goodman doesn’t exist either. Lady Goodman is a pseudonym used by Holly Gleason. – Jim

Has there ever been a female country Entertainer of the Year?
Listen, I’m not gay, okay? — Kenny Chesney

What is Miranda Lambert purchasing with Blake?
Pants. For her to wear in that relationship. – Jim

The 9513’s Mailbag is published at the end of every month. The questions that appear here are real questions posed by our readers.

What was the big surprise at the CMA Awards?
That the show was even worse than I expected. — Jim

That Milli Vanilli did not make an appearance. — CM

What rock star likes to show off his butt?
Joe Don Rooney of Rascal Flatts. — Jim

When did Shel Silverstein win a Grammy?

Fans of Silverstein thought it divine
When he won a Grammy in ‘69
Fifteen years later he won one more
And that was his last, back in ‘84. — CM

Who wrote the song “I’ll Walk?”
Brent Wilson and Lonnie Fowler. — Jim

Who is Roni Stoneman’s sister?
Ernest Stoneman and his wife Hattie had 14 children, including Roni. Dean, Donna, Eddie, Gene, Grace, James, John, Juanita, Pattie, William, Reta, Scott, Van, and Veronica. — Jim

Which is the better Brad Paisley album: 5th Gear or Play?
Are you just trying to get Ben all riled up again? — CM

How to make cowboy boots out of felt?
Going for style over functionality, are we? — Jim

Why did Richie McDonald leave Lonestar?
Artistic differences. Richie wanted to make one kind of mediocre music while his former bandmates wanted to make a different kind of mediocre music. — CM

Richie McDonald, how do I stop?
How ’bout you don’t? — The Lost Trailers

How did Carrie Underwood get her start?
Well, she grew up in a quaint little town in Oklahoma and was a singer ever since she was a baby. Carrie dropped out of high school, left home, and earned her stripes playing honkytonks and road houses throughout the Midwest and South. After years of empty rooms and tip jars, she moved to Nashville on a whim, where she worked as a waitress. One day, as closing time approached, there was just one customer left way in the back of the dining area. Carrie popped a quarter in the jukebox and began to sing along to her favorite Loretta Lynn song while mopping the cracked tile floors. Turns out, the man in the back happened to be famed producer Dann Huff. He recognized her talent, offered to help her get a record deal, and the rest is history. — Pierce

Why won’t Carrie Underwood perform at rodeos?
As a vegetarian she will not eat meat, let alone sing to it — Kelly

Why did Carrie Underwood write so small?
Because she could only afford one piece of paper. — CM

What is a holler?
A place in the country where really bad records are made, evidently — Kelly

When does the Jason Aldean CD, Relentless, come out?
Not until March 29th, 2007. Oh, the agony of waiting. — Jim

Who wrote “Don’t Tell Mama I Was Drinking?”
“Don’t Tell Mama” was penned by Buddy Brock, Jerry Laseter, and Kim Williams. The song has appeared on albums by Ty Herndon, Gary Allan, and The Grascals. — CM

What does “burn your playhouse down” mean?
Someone apparently didn’t have a jealous older brother when they were growing up… — Pierce

Where does Johnny Rodriguez live?
He lives in Texas and has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I’m not sure how those facts are related, but Wikipedia saw fit to put them together and that’s good enough for me. — CM

What should I wear to an intimate concert performance with Sugarland?
Shame…and black pumps — Kelly

What kind of people most enjoy finger painting?
Toddlers, mental patients, Taylor Swift fans. Yeah, I said it. — CM

What is Julio Iglesias, Jr. up to now?
Ignoring phone calls from John Rich. — CM

How to date Taylor Swift?
That’s what I’m tryin’ to figure out. — Jim

If the love interests in her songs are any indication, just pop your collar and be a jerk and she’ll eventually find you. — CM

What to do today in Kern county?
Whatever you do, don’t swim in Kern River. – Brady

How do you get on an NFL practice squad?
Stop growing at about 5′6″, lose your hair, and wear really tight jeans, then the Saints might be willing to let you catch a few punts in practice. – Brady

What does “Bob That Head” mean?
Just nod your head to the beat of the music. – Brady

How old is Ray Price?
Price was born on January 12th, 1926, making him 82 years young. – Jim

How do people buy music?
Wait, people still buy music? – Jim

What did Katie Cook wear for the Nashville Star finale?
While not quite a nudie suit, it was titillating to say the least. – Not Brady

How many encores did Hank Williams do when he sang “Lovesick Blues” on the Grand Ole Opry?
Some accounts place the number at an unprecedented and yet-to-be-matched six encores. – Brady

Why does “Our Song” say “slow” instead of “low?”
Have you ever noticed that the volume of a person’s voice goes down when they talk more slowly? – Jim

How does Taylor Swift break up with jerk boyfriends?
She pokes the voodoo dolls she’s undoubtedly created and burns their pictures, then sends them a text message telling ‘em it’s all over. Of course, she writes a song about it afterwards. – Brady

Why isn’t Gretchen Wilson played on radio?
Because her fifteen minutes has officially expired. – Jim

What would Kristofferson do?
Write better songs than “Like Kristofferson Would Do.” – Jim

Finish the phrase: Jason and the ______?
Jason and the Wiggles? – Jim

Did Kid Rock steal “All Summer Long” from Chesney?
No. – Jim

When is Julio Iglesias, Jr.’s single coming out?
I thought we were supposed to be making the jokes. – Brady

Who are all of Lorrie Morgan’s ex-husbands?
Now you’re just being mean. – Brady

If you want the actual names of Lorrie Morgan’s ex-husbands, they are (in order): Ron Gaddis, Keith Whitley, Brad Thompson, Jon Randall, Sammy Kershaw. – Matt

What happened to Adam Gregory on Midas?
Gregory is still on Midas, but distribution and promotion will be handled by Big Machine. – Jim

When did Trace Adkins say his new album would be released?
Adkins’ new album will be in stores and online starting November 25th. – Jim

Where can I get a camo hat like John Rich?
Choose your style: Ugly, Realtree, Battalion, Ghost Camo, Beanie, or Urban Camo with recentered logo – Brady